You may shake your head with painful memories of large dollar amounts lost, and swear on a stack of Bibles that you will never again be foolish enough to engage in a shoot-out with the One-Armed Bandit, but who are you kidding? Maybe, with a little luck, you will be able to resist the call of the slot machine for a couple of weeks, perhaps even a month or two. But you know damn well that you will be back for a rematch eventually. You cannot just let that Bandit win so effortlessly, can you? No way.

It’s just a machine, of course, with a “brain” comprised of wires and microchips. You, having said that, are a living, breathing entity with the capacity for critical thinking and self-reflection. If humankind is to have any hope at all in surviving the worldwide war against machines that surely will come some day, we’d better at least be able to beat the slots. Think of the matter inside this sort of sweeping historical context and also you will see that it’s not simply a choice but an obligation for you to get back on the horse right away.

Before launching on your noble quest in defense of humanity, it would be wise to review some basic information and arm yourself with five crucial tips to success.

You might not know that the slot machine goes on different names in overseas nations. For instance, within the United Kingdom, it’s called a fruit machine (no jokes about British drag queens, please.) In Australia, the excellent online slot gambling is described as a “poker machine,” which is even more confusing, but what can you expect from a culture that gives outdoor grills the name of just a little girl’s toy? (Let it sink in for a minute, you will get it.)

Anyway, traditional American slot machines are coin-operated and contain three or even more reels, which spin any time a lever on the side of the equipment is pulled. The machines include a currency detector that validates the cash inserted to play. The equipment typically pays off according to patterns of symbols visible when the reels stop.

OK, enough for the description. Fundamentally, onto those tips which were promised a number of paragraphs ago:

Become intimately familiar with each slot machine’s payout schedule. Two identical slot machines will often have radically different payouts. This matters, people.

Look for advertised slot machines offering 96-98% paybacks. Most casinos usually have a number of banks or carousels of high percentage payback slots, and this is where you should play.

Join the casino players club wherever you gamble regularly. Casinos reward players for time and expense spent. Even if you do not hit the jackpot, you could still receive comps like meals, discount hotel rooms, and other perks.

This will be a no-brainer, but only play the slot machines you can afford and only spend money you may risk losing. Seriously.

Walk away when you’re losing and become irritated. Playing slot machines is supposed to be an enjoyable pastime, not much of a source of ulcer-inducing frustration. When it’s no longer fun, go get a drink and some fresh air.